Communication Skills Power

When you are in a relationship, there are many things that are important to make it work, to make it grow, and thrive.  As with anything else in life, you must strive to build your relationship and make it healthy. And, one of the key aspects to a relationship is communication. For, if you can not talk and speak openly to each other, you can never grow truly close and find a lasting relationship.

Yet, you may find it difficult to draw certain things out of your man. It is said that, these days, men are more open and sensitive. Well, that may be true to some extent, but political correctness aside, men are still men, and they often don’t speak their minds. So, how can you get the man in your life to speak more openly about his feelings and emotions? Well, there are a few tips to follow.

First, turn off the television, Playstation, Xbox etc. The male mind does best when it can focus on one thing. Trying to talk to your man while he is watching a football game or the latest “Die Hard” movie is a recipe for not talking at all; all you will get are a bunch of “yups”, “nopes”, etc.

Next, try to talk about one thing. Here again, the male mind does best if it can focus on one subject. Also, if you can mix up the subjects you want to speak about, and throw in some light and casual topics; that will help also. You may want to talk to him about love, marriage, children, visiting our family etc. But, if all you talk about is serious matters, you’re going to turn him off to talking altogether.

Consider the lesson of Dr. Pavlov and his work with dogs. He found that a conditioned response could be set up with a dog. Well, men are often compared to dogs, but they aren’t quite so crude; however,  they do respond to stimuli in a similar fashion. By talking to your man about sports, sex, and so forth, he will come to see talking as something to enjoy, not dread.

Also, when talking to your man, position, demeanor, body language, and even the clothes you wear can influence how he reacts. Men don’t do their best communicating when they’re sitting facing someone. It is rather confrontational. Here again, it all goes to biology, and the primitive aspects of the human brain. Where once men had to face off in battle for food, for a mate etc. and thus they see such a position as an act of aggression. So, if you want to talk to him, and make him feel at ease, try sitting next to him.

Next, there is the art of compromise. Remember that if you talk and yet do not really talk, merely dictate, yell or belittle your man, you are not going to encourage him to talk. This goes back to the idea of not talking on serious matters all the time. Respect his opinion, even if you do not agree with it, and tell him so. If you disagree on some point, seek to compromise on it. And, most importantly, before arguing or exploding at him, ask this question: in twenty years, will this issue be all that important? If the answer is no, consider letting it go.

Always remember, a relationship is a two way street, not one. The more you’re willing to talk about things he wants to talk about, the more you’re willing to change your views, and to listen to what he has to say; the more likely he is to talk more.

These days, we often talk about wanting people to be more expressive about their feelings, about “telling it like it is” so we can have some open and honest dialog. If we could manage that, maybe we’d be happier, marriages would last longer, and maybe even a few other problems in the world would be made just that little but easier. But, despite political correctness, it’s still rather frowned upon for men to express emotions and talk about their feelings. So, what are the steps you can take to help your man to be more expressive about what he’s feeling?

Step one is to reciprocate by sharing your feelings too.  Often, a man is unwilling to go first on such an issue as how he feels or what he really thinks. So, by you talking about your feelings first, you can make him feel better about talking about his. One little warning about this though; don’t go too far too fast. If you’re just starting out in a relationship, don’t talk about your feelings regarding marriage, children etc. You may end up scaring him into closing up as tight as a clam!

So, talk about your feelings regarding other things. Does he like cars? Talk about how much you love NASCAR. Is he a dog person? Ask him questions on the subject, and maybe express interest in getting a dog. Or, conversely, maybe you are a cat person, and you can talk to him about your love of the animals and then ask him how he feels about them. This can be an excellent means of bringing up the whole issue of feelings.

Next, talk about feelings in a non-threatening manner. From the time of the cavemen to the Gladiators, up to modern times, men have always faced their opponents face to face. So, it is in their genes to see someone in front of them as being confrontational. That means, if you want to talk about something personal and make him feel at ease, it is best to sit next to your man.

Then there is the environment. Talking to your man in a crowded sports bar is not the most conducive place to getting him to open up. Here again, the tribe mentality will take over. Haven’t you noticed how juvenile your man can act when he is around his friends? So, getting him to open up about his feelings is not going to be easy in such a situation. A truly intimate talk is best done in private. Along with that is your demeanor and reactions to him. If you belittle his feelings, laugh or ridicule him, you won’t encourage him to open up in the future.

Also, consider using relaxation techniques to help him feel more at ease. Just sitting at a table and talking is fine, but the more calm and relaxed he is, the more open he will be. So, it may sound like a cliché, but consider having him lie down. Maybe put on some soft music, and even give him a back rub. Smells can act as powerful mental triggers. Some nice scented candles may help him, or even just the smell of good food. What smells would make your man feel calm and at ease? Perhaps the scents of childhood; the smells of home and family. So, cooking him a meal like his mother used to prepare can help. Get your man in the right mood, calm and relaxed, and ask him a few open questions on light topics. You will soon have him in the mood to open up to you about what really matters.

Communication is the single most important part of an relationship. So long as you can talk, so long as you can respect each other and each other’s point of view; you can overcome just about anything life throws at you. Yet, talking is like anything else in life; there is a right way and a wrong way of going out it. Like riding a bike, it is something you have to learn the finer points and subtle nuances of.

So, what are some mistakes people often make when they talk to a spouse/partner? The first one is not talking to them at all! Instead, women may talk “at” a partner. They sit there and lecture the person. This is a great way to get a partner to not want to talk. Save the talking “to” for a classroom full of children, not a life partner.

The second mistake to avoid kind of goes hand in hand with the first: not listening to what your partner has to say. If you talk “to” them, and they do the same to you, you’ll both tend to tune each other out; and that’s not healthy for a relationship. So, listen!

Next, there is the issue of positive reinforcement. Often the reason that children act up” is to get attention from their parents. After all, when they’re good, they’re often ignored. Psychologists began suggesting that parents thank their children when they did something good. Even just a few words: “Thank you for sitting still while mommy did her shopping” can do a world of good. So, after you’ve talked to your partner, a simple: “Thank you for listening to what I had to say” can be a real help to the relationship.

Then there’s the use of the phrase: “I’m sorry”. On the one hand, do not over-use it, and use it without meaning it. But on the other hand, don’t become super defensive and never use it. If you’re unwilling to admit a mistake, and work to correct it, then the phrase loses all of its meaning.

A relationship is like anything else in life; you have to focus on it to make it work. So, that means setting aside time to put some effort into it. When you want to talk to your partner, don’t just spring it on them first thing in the morning if they’re not a morning person; or last thing at night when they’re trying to settle down to sleep. Set aside time to talk, and make sure you’re there on time. Being late tells your partner that you don’t really care.

When talking, don’t take everything your partner says as some sort of attack; don’t jump down their throat the minute they tell you something, and especially don’t turn around and attack them on a totally unrelated matter. That’s changing the subject, and it’s not fair to them. Listen to what they have to say, and try to look at it from an impartial point of view. Saying they don’t like one of your friends is not a blanket condemnation of your entire lifestyle.

The next point is closely related to the previous one: jumping to a conclusion. Don’t interrupt your partner in the middle of a sentence because you think you know what they’re going to say. That’s rude and insulting, and can lead to further arguing. Have your say, let your partner digest it, and then give him/her the common courtesy of letting them respond. By using a few common sense approaches, you can improve communication with your partner, and build up your relationship so that it can last.