Monthly Archives: November 2004

How To Overcome The Fear Of Rejection

How To Reframe Rejection…

fear of rejection is one of the greatest fears shared by all
human beings. Nobody wants to feel left out, unwanted or

And at the same time what we really want is to be loved and
accepted by everyone – that would be bliss. It will never
happen though because we all have biases, opinions and
beliefs that color the way we look at the world.

People will reject us no matter how good we look, no matter
how successful we are, and no matter how giving we are. If
we were to become even nicer, and even more spiritually
aware they would still reject us so it is a pointless
battle trying to win over everyone.

However we can change how we think about rejection. If we
change the meaning of rejection it can become our ally
instead of our enemy.

Next time someone rejects you why not take it as feedback
instead. That is, your approach did not work and you need
to try a new approach. In sales, the salesperson must view
rejection as feedback or else she will slowly go insane!

So let us view rejection as feedback. When you are rejected
immediately set your mind the task of intelligently
answering this question – how must I change my approach to
get what I want?

By doing this, you shift your attention back to what you
can do and off the other person whose approval is theirs to
give or not to give.

Let us take the example of asking someone to help you with a
project at work, you are afraid to ask for help so when you
do, your co-worker can almost smell this fear of rejection
coming from you.

He says No, he is far to busy to help you today. Now
immediately ask yourself the feedback reframe question –
how must I change my approach to get what I want?

Asking this question will give you an unlimited range of new
approaches to use: maybe smile more, or bribe him with a
soft drink, or perhaps offer to do some of his boring work
in return for help.

It also helps to anticipate rejection before it has a
chance to happen. In the case of the example above, before
talking to the colleague I would spend a few minutes in
preparation. I would run through possible ways he might
reject me. For each possible situation, just keep asking
yourself – how must I change my approach to get what I want?

You may not realize, most people just give up too easily
because rejection feels so unpleasant. If you reframe
rejection to mean feedback it becomes a mental puzzle to
solve instead.

You will then be able to endure the word *No* a lot longer.
This endurance will also encourage others to let you have
what you want because you just do not seem to take No for
an answer!


Maintain rapport at all times when you use this
approach, this new found courage and tenacity is only
appreciated by others if you use it with a win-win outlook.

4 Common Mistakes That Damage Your Relationships

4 Common Mistakes That Damage Your Relationships
by Peter Murphy

Do you know the four mistakes most people make when making
conversation? These common errors that can damage your

1 Pretending You Are Interested When You Are Not

Do yourself a favor and be honest with yourself and the
people you spend time with. If you are really not
interested in the topic of conversation then say so.

If possible, change the subject or simply postpone that
particular conversation until another time.

Obviously if there is a danger of offending the other
person you will have to be less direct. In these situations
it helps to find out right away what the other person wants
or expects from you.


The conversation will right away become very relevant to
you and maintaining interest is a lot easier.

2 Disliking The Other Person

If you do not like something about the person you are
talking to it will come across at some level. Ask yourself
— what could I like about this person? This will help put
you in a better frame of mind.

And look for things you have in common by asking yourself –
how is this person like me?

We all have something in common and commonality builds
rapport. Look for it and you will find it.

If you mechanically attempt to get rapport with people while
secretly disliking them you will never get that deep
rapport you are aiming for.

In fact if your focus is on how much you dislike the person
you will not even want rapport and instead you will be
setting yourself up for conflict.

3 Wanting Rapport With Everyone You Meet

I made this mistake when I first learned advanced
communication skills.

All of a sudden, for the first time, I was able to get
rapport with anyone I met. So I did.

And I recommend you do the same to a point. With one
exception. There are some people you do not want to be
getting deep rapport with.

Take someone who is like a raging bull with a deep
resentment and hate for themselves and other people. Do you
really want to feel the same way? If you get deep rapport
you will feel some of the same feelings.

While you may need to be effective around such people keep
your focus on your real goal. Deal effectively with the
individual and maintain your own emotional state regardless
of how upset the other person is.

Pay attention to your emotional state when dealing with
negative people, manipulative people and others who will
drain your energy. With these people rely more on the
weakest element of rapport – words. And manage your body
language without following their lead.

4 Not Speaking Their Language

We all have one primary sense whether it be visual,
auditory or feelings based that dominates our perception of
the world.

You need to get good at spotting which modality other
people use and match their world to get rapport quickly and

If someone is in a visual mode their words will be
dominated by words that express what they see. For example
the car is red with a white soft top and a huge back seat.

Whereas the auditory person describes the car in a
different way: it sounds like a lion roaring when you start
the engine and the CD player fills the car with deep, rich
sounds that dance around your ears.

Finally the person most attuned to their feelings notices
the smooth soft sensation of the leather seats and the warm
firm feeling when they hold the steering wheel.

If you use the wrong modality for the person you are
talking to it makes it harder for him to understand you.
You have to work harder to get rapport.

And when you speak to several people at once make sure you
use visual, auditory and feeling words to make sure you
appeal to everyone.

Make a point of paying attention to the dominant modality
your friends and family use. And you may have a
breakthrough when you finally discover why you are not
getting deep rapport with some of them while more easily
getting along with other people.

Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. This report reveals
the secret strategies all high achievers use to
communicate with charm and impact. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at: