Monthly Archives: June 2008

Common Mistakes Women Make When Talking To Their Partners

Communication is the single most important part of an relationship. So long as you can talk, so long as you can respect each other and each other’s point of view; you can overcome just about anything life throws at you. Yet, talking is like anything else in life; there is a right way and a wrong way of going out it. Like riding a bike, it is something you have to learn the finer points and subtle nuances of.

So, what are some mistakes people often make when they talk to a spouse/partner? The first one is not talking to them at all! Instead, women may talk “at” a partner. They sit there and lecture the person. This is a great way to get a partner to not want to talk. Save the talking “to” for a classroom full of children, not a life partner.

The second mistake to avoid kind of goes hand in hand with the first: not listening to what your partner has to say. If you talk “to” them, and they do the same to you, you’ll both tend to tune each other out; and that’s not healthy for a relationship. So, listen!

Next, there is the issue of positive reinforcement. Often the reason that children act up” is to get attention from their parents. After all, when they’re good, they’re often ignored. Psychologists began suggesting that parents thank their children when they did something good. Even just a few words: “Thank you for sitting still while mommy did her shopping” can do a world of good. So, after you’ve talked to your partner, a simple: “Thank you for listening to what I had to say” can be a real help to the relationship.

Then there’s the use of the phrase: “I’m sorry”. On the one hand, do not over-use it, and use it without meaning it. But on the other hand, don’t become super defensive and never use it. If you’re unwilling to admit a mistake, and work to correct it, then the phrase loses all of its meaning.

A relationship is like anything else in life; you have to focus on it to make it work. So, that means setting aside time to put some effort into it. When you want to talk to your partner, don’t just spring it on them first thing in the morning if they’re not a morning person; or last thing at night when they’re trying to settle down to sleep. Set aside time to talk, and make sure you’re there on time. Being late tells your partner that you don’t really care.

When talking, don’t take everything your partner says as some sort of attack; don’t jump down their throat the minute they tell you something, and especially don’t turn around and attack them on a totally unrelated matter. That’s changing the subject, and it’s not fair to them. Listen to what they have to say, and try to look at it from an impartial point of view. Saying they don’t like one of your friends is not a blanket condemnation of your entire lifestyle.

The next point is closely related to the previous one: jumping to a conclusion. Don’t interrupt your partner in the middle of a sentence because you think you know what they’re going to say. That’s rude and insulting, and can lead to further arguing. Have your say, let your partner digest it, and then give him/her the common courtesy of letting them respond. By using a few common sense approaches, you can improve communication with your partner, and build up your relationship so that it can last.

Common Mistakes Men Make when Talking With Their Partner

Many relationships today fail because of communication problems. Being able to effectively communicate with your partner is essential to the happiness and success of all relationships. Let us look at some common mistakes men make when communicating with their partner.

Not listening to your partner is probably one of the most significant mistakes anyone can make in a relationship, and men in particular are often more guilty of this mistake than women are. When women communicate with anyone they generally seek a degree of emotional connection with the one they’re speaking to. This trait is a development of their social upbringing. The connection your partner seeks is established through genuine and active listening.

Listening to your partner is not just about nodding your head in understanding. There’s more to listening than that.  Actively listening requires you to be interested in what the  ther person is saying. This means maintaining eye contact and, as your partner talks, to paraphrase some of the key points they are talking about. Paraphrasing is a very effective way to show your partner you are paying attention and are interested in what they are saying to you. The conversation then becomes interactive, something most partners do seek in their relationships.

Another mistake many men often make in communicating with their partner, and which is related to listening, is giving advice when it is not asked for. Socially speaking, men are taught to be problem solvers, especially when it comes to their partner’s problems. Men are socially taught that they are the protectors and because of this they tend to respond in a protective way. However, this is not always what your partner is seeking from you. Your partner is not always seeking protection.

Men often like to get in there, fix the problem and be the “knight in shining armor” in the eyes of their partner.  However, often your partner doesn’t want to hear your solutions, much less are they in need of your heroism regarding everyday matters. When a man communicates in this manner he is actually shifting the attention from his partner to himself. Moreover, when you do this your partner may interpret this as egotistical. When your ego gets involved it may actually be counterproductive to what your partner is really looking for. Rather than riding in on your white horse, many times your partner wants to sense your understanding and empathy regarding their problem. They often want to sense an emotional connection with you in the relationship.

Men also often make the mistake of putting their partner down when communicating with them. Perhaps the put-downs are joking, but your partner may not be seeing it as a joke, especially when they are trying to have a serious conversation with you. Joking comments about your partner’s appearance, intelligence, or any other personal aspect is not constructive communication in any conversation with your partner and will often take the conversation into hostile territory. Whenever someone we care about puts us down it hurts and we have a tendency to become defensive, which can turn a conversation into a personal argument.

However, the number one complaint from partners is the fact that men tend to interrupt their partner. Men do this for a variety of reasons. But the number one reason, as was indicated earlier is that many men often think they have the solution and know what their partner is saying before it is actually being said. This is actually a presumptuous behavior and is common in many long-term relationships. It’s common because some men think that they know their partners better than their partners know themselves.

If you want to enhance your relationship with your partner there are two things you must do: first, let go of yourself, and secondly, listen to your partner like it was your first date.

Common Communication Mistakes in Relationships

People often wonder what is the most important aspect of a relationship. Is it compatibility? Having things in common, the same religious or political beliefs? What about honesty, or getting along; never fighting? No, being able to talk is the key; communication, because, as long as you can talk and respect each other’s views, then you have a healthy relationship.

So, when trying to communicate with your partner, what are some things to avoid? Well, one common mistake people make is the manner in which they talk to their partner. Unless you are attending a college class, you probably do not like to be lectured. Well, your partner is the same way. So if you have a problem with some aspect of the relationship, don’t sit down with them and just lecture or yell at them.  Communication is a two-way street. Talk to them, and then listen to them.

Next is honesty. If there is something about your partner that is bothering you, or some as- pect of the relationship that you feel needs to be worked on – say so. Nothing hurts a couple more than one person holding something inside and letting it fester there. It will only serve to poison your feelings, and sour the relationship. Sometimes, this can be very difficult. If your partner is opposed to having children, and you really want them, this can lead to a break up. Yet, far better you separate than remain together and both end up unhappy. Or, on the other hand, by talking about something, you may find that they share your views, and the matter can easily be agreed to. Finally, there is the option of compromise. Maybe you can’t work things out to perfection. But, if you are both truly committed to the relationship, you should be willing to find common ground.

One very common mistake people make when trying to talk about something is not doing just that. They start out talking about an important issue and then get side-tracked.  This often happens when one of you brings up something that is painful for the other to deal with; you will change the subject in order to defend yourself. As tempting as this may be, don’t do it. Keep your focus on the matter at hand.

It is said that our lives are very full these days. Work, family, hobbies etc. fill up our time and make a simple conversation something you almost have to do online via instant messaging! This can lead to another common mistake for a couple: either putting a conversation off, or trying to do it in the midst of the chaos of their lives. Talking means doing just that! So, the two of you find a nice comfortable place to do it, and elminate distractions. Also, don’t wait until the last minute right before bed to try and have a heavy-duty serious chat. That is the time to discuss a sexual fantasy, not whether or not you should buy a new car!

This may sound odd, but sometimes you need to make a date to talk to your partner.  These days, we schedule so much in our lives, why not a time to talk? And, it doesn’t have to be a very complex matter. Something as simple as deciding that every Sunday morning the two of you go out to breakfast can do it. A nice local diner, the Sunday paper, and some privacy. You eat, chat, read, and then discuss anything that is truly important. A relationship is like anything else in this world; it has to be worked on, fed, and nurtured if it is to grow and live and develop into something lasting.