Monthly Archives: June 2008

Why Needing to be Liked Causes People to Not Like You

Many people seem to think that they need people to like them. The truth is that you don’t. All you need to is to like yourself. When you like yourself, and are comfortable in your own skin, it doesn’t matter if people like you or not. When you like yourself you are secure within yourself and this translates into attraction. People are more likely to like you. The opposite is also true: if you dislike yourself you are more likely to be needy and constantly seek affirmation from others. This can become a strain on your relations with other people and make them less likely to like you.

Needing to be liked says a lot about you. First on that list is insecurity. When you need to be liked you demonstrate insecurity. This means the need to be liked hits directly at our self-concept. Your self-concept then directly affects how you think of others and how you deal with them, and communicate with them, either positively or negatively.

It is in your self-concept that you find self-acceptance. Self-acceptance is about the degree to which you feel comfortable in your own skin. When you are comfortable in your skin you will have developed a liking for ourselves.  When we don’t like ourselves we want to fill that void through others liking us. When we need to be liked it means we don’t like ourselves as much as we should and therefore need others to like us to make ourselves feel complete. That can be quite a responsibility to put on to other people and they will soon become resentful of that.

Your self-concept has everything to do with the needing to be liked. If you have a poor self-concept you will have more of a tendency to behave in such a way as to demonstrate need rather than be able to give positively within your relationships with other people. Most people can tolerate need, when they see it, for a short period of time. But as the relationship develops and they consistently see a need for reassurance within you they will soon see you as burdensome and will begin to develop a dislike for you.

When you have the idea, in your mind, that you need people to like you this actually works against you. You can develop resentments for example. When you need people to like you and you find that they don’t you can feel offended, which can turn into resentment. Resentments have a tendency of being revealed, through our interactive behavior, and have a discouraging effect in future interactions with those you think should like you, and so the dislike grows, from both sides.

Furthermore, resentments have a way of pushing people away from you, in all relationships. This is because when you hold resentment this makes proper communication difficult with the person or people you resent, unless of course you address that resentment with that person. Resentments against one person can also affect your relationships with other people as you become suspicious and self-conscious,thinking other people have a problem with you too.

Another point about needing to be liked is that if you have that need you can possibly over-compensate in your needing to be liked by trying too hard. When we try too hard to get someone to like us we may actually disturb and upset them with those needy behaviors.

The bottom line is that needing to be liked causes people to not like you because it demonstrates some quite negative things regarding how much you like yourself. People like those more who like themselves because they will be able to see the positive qualities you can see in yourself, and they will also know that you will not become needy with them.

Like Yourself More and Others will Like You Even More

A fact of interpersonal relationships is: before others will like you, or even begin to like you, you must like yourself.  We can actually call this fact the “Golden Rule” of interpersonal relationships. If you don’t like yourself it becomes difficult for others to like you and, because of this fact, quality relationships with those around you can become more difficult to maintain whenever you find yourself not liking yourself.

When you don’t like yourself it shows in your verbal language, body language and other behaviors. In all interpersonal communications, whether good or bad, the language you use to talk, your body posturing, along with other behaviors have a strong influence upon new and existing relationships, each and every one of them. Your behaviors, including both verbal and non-verbal communication, speak volumes about how much you like yourself.

Liking yourself should be a natural act for everyone. Unfortunately it’s not. Liking yourself is a learning process that starts from infancy. As a growing child, the more people like you, specifically those close to you, the more you develop a liking within you for yourself. From this point of reference you learn, through the experience of numerous interactions and many life events, what liking is and what it means to you. What should be obvious here is that you learn to like yourself.

With this concept in mind it should make logical sense that you can like yourself more, after all liking yourself is a learning process, as we have seen.  However, liking yourself more means getting to know yourself more. This requires some introspection on your part, a looking inward within yourself, and we all need to do this if we want others to like you more.

Many of us have things about ourselves we don’t like and most of us have more than one thing or behavior about ourselves we don’t like. Perhaps it’s the language we use to talk with or how nervous we get when first meeting someone. Maybe it’s how we behave when someone points out a fault of ours. The good news is that you can change your attitude about practically anything you don’t like about yourself by paying attention to it and becoming aware of it.

It’s important to note that the attitude you take about yourself can fuel the degree of liking you have for yourself. If you consistently have a negative attitude about yourself and your future youwill become even more negative through time and therefore may find yourself disliking yourself even more. If, on the other hand, you take a positive attitude about yourself, an attitude that facilitates your liking for yourself, as often as possible, you can develop a deeper liking for yourself.

When you pay attention to something you don’t like about yourself you have choices to make in what to do about your findings. The choices are: change it, accept it, or ignore it. The choice is always yours. However, ignoring it will certainly bring you back to facing it again sometime in your future, whereas changing it or accepting it can bring you to a point of liking yourself more, which in turn will influence others to like you more because they will see what you see in yourself. Also, you will be a happy and cheerful person to be around, which will attract people to your company.

Any time you engage in the evaluation, change, and or acceptance of those things you don’t like about yourself you are making an investment into liking yourself more. This investment, much like the interest acquired from a savings bank account, is accumulative.  The more you find to like in yourself the more you will like yourself, and when people see that you like yourself more they can’t help but to like you more.

Like Others And They Will Like You

All too often we look at our interactions with others the wrong way. We look at our interactions as if we should be liked, rather than for us to like first. How many of us have asked the question, “Why don’t they like me?” Maybe it’s because we really didn’t like them.

Unfortunately, many of us can often be too self-centered and self-absorbed when it comes to the “liking” issue. We fail to look at our end of liking the exchange, like we have no responsibility in the interaction. The truth of the matter is that if you want people to like you, you must like them first. However, there’s a little more to the liking process than just liking someone first.

The first responsibility we have in the liking process is to ourselves. Many of us didn’t learn this in our early years. Others in some way and somehow lost exactly what that means in relation to their interactions with others. It’s actually a very simple concept when you think about it for a moment and it’s a concept that is supported and documented throughout time in a variety of literary works. The concept is this: ‘to like yourself first’. Liking yourself is vitally important to liking others and you cannot like others if you don’t like yourself. It all begins with you.

If you don’t like yourself it will be impossible for you to truly like others and for them to like you. When we don’t like ourselves this comes out in every aspect of our communications, whether verbally or in body language. If we don’t like ourselves our words and actions will speak that truth and people may tend to avoid us. The same is also true when we like ourselves, except that when we like ourselves people tend to be more attracted to us. Liking ourselves is the first law of attraction as it relates to personal interactions.

Liking ourselves opens the door to liking others. Because we like ourselves we have developed, over time and through experience, qualities for ourselves that naturally come out in our interactions with others. Some of those qualities are self-respect, self-trust, and self-confidence. These are only three examples of liking and likable qualities for almost everyone, and there are more that are specific for each individual. Let us add that we have a natural tendency to look for agreeable qualities in others as we develop a likeness toward them.

The first building block to liking someone is to find those qualities in them that are agreeable to you, or that you like. This should make natural sense because, for example, we tend move into deeper conversations with those we have agreement with and tend to short the conversation with those we find disagreement. It’s a human instinct to gravitate towards and develop bonds with those people we see agreeable qualities or something we like in.

Sometimes liking others can be a challenge because you may find, from time to time, some disagreement with someone you are developing a likeness for. When you find yourself in this dilemma know that none of us can possibly agree all the time and about all things. Instead, focus on those qualities in the other person that you like. This is a very important concept for those who are involved in new and developing friendships.

The liking process is a reciprocal event. By liking others you will be liked. However, it all starts with yourself. By knowing and liking yourself you will able to like others and they will like you.