Monthly Archives: April 2010

People Who Want To Be Liked

It might seem surprising when you meet people but everyone else has the same concerns, fears and worries you try to hide. Yes, some people are more confident than others and some are better at mingling and making a good impressions. Still, at a deeper level we all have the same needs.

We all need to be liked, we all need to know we fit in and we all want an opportunity to have our voice heard. Because this is true for everyone you will ever meet you now know how to be a good friend to anyone you ever talk to. Simply make a point of liking people and let them know you are interested in them and you`ll notice people want to spend more time with you, they want to get to know you better and they enjoy talking to you much more.

Liking people is often a decision. You decide to find things to like about the person you are talking to and this positive focus on what you like changes how you interact and makes you genuinely interested in finding out more about the person you have just met. People pick up on this positive attitude and open up to you, the conversation flows and you enjoy getting to know people.

What happens if you don`t like who you are talking to? Then it gets a little more challenging but the same principle still applies – look for what you can like about the person. Find even a few small things to like and it can take the edge off the the dislike you have for who you are talking to. This is important.

If you dislike someone they will pick up on this rejection and this can cause a downward spiral with each person treating the other one harshly. Before you know it you are stuck in a very tense and uncomfortable conversation.

This is why it is good to look for what you can like about someone from the moment you meet. Right away listen carefully, take a good look at the person and find qualities and features you like. This could include general appearance, fashion sense, accent, voice tone, common interests or even something as simple as eye colour.

Then, while enjoying the conversation continue to pay attention to those likeable characteristics and you`ll notice that this positive attitude generalises to the whole person. You become more open minded and accepting of whoever you are talking to.

When this happens you will be feeling that you like this person. You might even be saying to yourself in your mind. “I like this person!” When this happens you`ll be more relaxed, you`ll smile more and the other person will feel accepted and liked.

One great way to keep this positive momentum alive is to quietly say to yourself in your mind: “I like you!” Do this as you talk and listen to the other person and you`ll find more qualities to like and feel more connected to whoever you are with. This sounds too simple to work but try it for yourself and you`ll see it changes the dynamics of any conversation.

We all want to be liked so take charge and decide to like the people you meet. Easy and highly effective, this one slight change in outlook will cause people to like you as well. When they feel accepted and approved of they simply like you because you already like them!

The Listening Pause

One of the simplest ways to improve the quality of your conversation skills and to create much better rapport with people is to make a point of using the listening pause. What`s that?

Very often when we make conversation we are paying attention to who is speaking while holding in mind what we want to say next when its our turn to talk. Then, we dive in when the other person pauses for breath! This is especially true when we are in a hurry or when we need to cover a lot of ground in just a few minutes.

However this jumping into the conversation even if its normal behaviour disrespects whoever we are talking to. By our actions we are demonstrating that we are listening only long enough to get an opportunity to speak. This can create a tension in the conversation with each person competing for air time. And that`s why the listening pause is so important…

The listening pause is easy to apply. When you are listening to someone who is talking to you. Give 100% attention to what is being said. And, when this person stops talking wait 3 seconds before speaking up. Do this and you will often find the other person is not finished talking. He will often continue what he was talking about. Again, pause for 3 seconds before saying anything and only when the other person does not continue talking do you want to speak up.

When you use the listening pause you will see several immediate positive changes in your interactions with people. Firstly, they will know you are actually listening to what is being said and because of that they will feel appreciated and respected. Secondly, people will warm to you because so many people are not listened to. Thirdly, when you start speaking the other person is very likely to reciprocate and listen to you as attentively as you did for him.

All of these positive changes facilitate a great conversation based on mutual respect and attention. Great friendships and happy relationships can quickly develop in such an environment.

All you need to do now is to remember to pause for 3 seconds before you speak up when it is your turn to speak in a conversation. I simply count out 3 seconds in my head while looking at the other person and waiting in case he starts to speak some more. Start right away and notice how delighted it makes your friends and family members when you care enough to listen to what they want to say to you.