4 Common Mistakes That Damage Your Relationships
by Peter Murphy
Do you know the four mistakes most people make when making
conversation? These common errors that can damage your
1 Pretending You Are Interested When You Are Not
Do yourself a favor and be honest with yourself and the
people you spend time with. If you are really not
interested in the topic of conversation then say so.
If possible, change the subject or simply postpone that
particular conversation until another time.
Obviously if there is a danger of offending the other
person you will have to be less direct. In these situations
it helps to find out right away what the other person wants
or expects from you.
The conversation will right away become very relevant to
you and maintaining interest is a lot easier.
2 Disliking The Other Person
If you do not like something about the person you are
talking to it will come across at some level. Ask yourself
– what could I like about this person? This will help put
you in a better frame of mind.
And look for things you have in common by asking yourself -
how is this person like me?
We all have something in common and commonality builds
rapport. Look for it and you will find it.
If you mechanically attempt to get rapport with people while
secretly disliking them you will never get that deep
rapport you are aiming for.
In fact if your focus is on how much you dislike the person
you will not even want rapport and instead you will be
setting yourself up for conflict.
3 Wanting Rapport With Everyone You Meet
I made this mistake when I first learned advanced
All of a sudden, for the first time, I was able to get
rapport with anyone I met. So I did.
And I recommend you do the same to a point. With one
exception. There are some people you do not want to be
getting deep rapport with.
Take someone who is like a raging bull with a deep
resentment and hate for themselves and other people. Do you
really want to feel the same way? If you get deep rapport
you will feel some of the same feelings.
While you may need to be effective around such people keep
your focus on your real goal. Deal effectively with the
individual and maintain your own emotional state regardless
of how upset the other person is.
Pay attention to your emotional state when dealing with
negative people, manipulative people and others who will
drain your energy. With these people rely more on the
weakest element of rapport – words. And manage your body
language without following their lead.
4 Not Speaking Their Language
We all have one primary sense whether it be visual,
auditory or feelings based that dominates our perception of
You need to get good at spotting which modality other
people use and match their world to get rapport quickly and
If someone is in a visual mode their words will be
dominated by words that express what they see. For example
the car is red with a white soft top and a huge back seat.
Whereas the auditory person describes the car in a
different way: it sounds like a lion roaring when you start
the engine and the CD player fills the car with deep, rich
sounds that dance around your ears.
Finally the person most attuned to their feelings notices
the smooth soft sensation of the leather seats and the warm
firm feeling when they hold the steering wheel.
If you use the wrong modality for the person you are
talking to it makes it harder for him to understand you.
You have to work harder to get rapport.
And when you speak to several people at once make sure you
use visual, auditory and feeling words to make sure you
appeal to everyone.
Make a point of paying attention to the dominant modality
your friends and family use. And you may have a
breakthrough when you finally discover why you are not
getting deep rapport with some of them while more easily
getting along with other people.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. This report reveals
the secret strategies all high achievers use to
communicate with charm and impact. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at: