Archive for the ‘Assertive Communication ’ Category

How To Be Assertive By Being Gentle

Thursday, December 17th, 2009

I was talking to a neighbour this morning. Josh is a physical
therapist. Last week he took on a new client, a rock star – one of
the biggest names of the 1980`s.

Anyway, Josh has not been paid yet and after listening to the story
it became clear how he created that result. Yes, he created this
problem, it didn`t just happen. And there is a big lesson for all
of us in what happened.

1. Be Strong, Be Definite

When Josh scheduled the appointments he was indecisive and vague
about the price he was charging for his services. That rock star
aura must have confused him! This is how he set up the problem
which has now happened.

We all need to be strong and definite when it comes to both
personal and business dealings that involve key issues. If you are
getting your car fixed you need to be firm and persistent about
establishing the price and the work involved BEFORE you hand over
the car keys.

Whenever you are vague people will tend to do what they like.
You`ll be kept waiting, be ignored and often feel like a second
class citizen. Never fail to be definite and firm in expressing
what you want and what you expect from others.

2. Be Assertive, Be Gentle

Josh procrastinated and failed to set clear parameters about what
work he would do and how much charged and when he expected
payment. He was being a nice guy and left all the details take care
of themselves.

Unfortunately the details will not take care of themselves! We need
to be assertive and take charge when it comes to important matters
in our personal and business life. Waiting until later to discuss
these issues allows small problems to get out of hand until we
don`t know if we can even solve them.

I suggest asserting yourself in a gentle manner – smile, speak
clearly and softly, and, pause for effect. Listen carefully to the other
person and remain calm and centred. The way of gentleness is the
way of power! If you stay calm and speak gently yet firmly it is very
difficult for others to push you around.

3. Be Clear About Your Intentions

Josh had been watching videos of this rock star on YouTube. He
showed me some of the videos. Understandably he was excited about
meeting this guy let alone taking him on as a client. However this
left him confused when it came to charging for his work. Maybe
having someone famous as a client was good enough.

In important discussions at home or at work we need to be crystal
clear about what we want to achieve. We must then stay focused and
keep the conversation on track regardless of distractions or
efforts by other people to change the topic of conversation.

Let`s say you are running out of time to schedule vacation time and
a trip overseas. Hold in mind your ultimate goal. The goal for the
conversation could be to mark off mutually agreed dates on the
kitchen calendar. Now, that is a highly specific goal that you can
aim for and achieve.

Avoid Getting Sidetracked

What often happens though is we get side tracked and end up talking
about vacation destinations, travel sites and insurance options.
Before you know it you`ve had a lively chat but no agreement on
vacation dates.

Be very clear about your intentions for important discussions and
you`ll see how quickly you can wrap up all that needs to be said.
Clarity is essential. This focus gives you a definiteness of
purpose that gives your words more power and authority. This in
turn causes people to pay much more attention to you and so it is
much easier to get agreement and finalise plans.

Whether you deal with rock stars or not, these three points are the
key to talking in way that causes people to take you seriously when
you need to be heard, when you need to say what needs to be said
and get people to respond.

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How To Assert Yourself Without Losing Friends

Sunday, August 10th, 2008

Often, people will have trouble making themselves stand out form the crowd. For some people, they can be a bit nervous about voicing their own opinion; maybe they are worried about being wrong or be laughed at. So, trying to stand up for themselves, and really assert themselves can be a problem for some people.

It has been popular in recent years for schools to focus on building up the self-esteem of children. This can make many of them very assertive. Yet, often they are too assertive and they end up offending people. So, there is a fine line to walk when you want to assert yourself without coming across as mean or nasty.

Step one in doing that is to stop and think before you speak. Ask yourself, what is the point I’m trying to make. If you disagree with someone over a political view, the issue of Global Warming, or something else, making your view point known is one thing, being mean, nasty and/or insulting is quite another. Do that, and you will more than likely lose friends and not influence people in a positive way.

Next, there is the manner in which you express your view. You must not yell or shout it out. Do not interrupt other people when they are speaking. There is the old saying about doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. You definitely wouldn’t like people to interrupt you, yell at you, or belittle your opinion when you are having a chat. So, you should not do the same to them.

Another point to consider – staying on the subject. If you are talking about the upcoming Presidential election, then only talk about that. People will not like being around you if you are constantly changing the subject to suit your needs. In addition, if you are engaged in a debate, and the other person makes a good point, do not retaliate by then moving on to a totally unrelated subject.

There is also the matter of choosing the right time to be assertive. When you are out with friends and you are trying to decide which movie to go to, that is not the time to be so assertive as to demand that everyone see only the movie you want to see. Ironically, looking at the military is a good way of illustrating this point. Soldiers are given orders on a daily basis. Yet, there are times when they do not agree with those orders. Still, they follow them. But, there can be times when a soldier will be given an order and know that it is not right, that it should not be followed. That is when the solder must assert himself and refuse to obey. A good soldier is not merely a robot who blindly follows orders; a good soldier is aware that there may come a day when he will have to disobey. When that day comes, he will have to have a reason for it. Well, the same is true of being assertive. It is the right thing to do; so long as you do it at the right time.

Finally, when making a point – make it and move on. If you just keep repeating the same point over and over, hoping that eventually people will accept, you are not going to win people over to your way of thinking. If you keep harping on the same thing, you are going to start sounding like some sort of conspiracy nut. That is not how you get people to listen to you. One of the key aspects of being assertive is also being realistic; understand that not every person you speak to is going to agree with you, no matter hoe persuasive you are.

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How To Confidently Assert Yourself At Work

Monday, August 4th, 2008

To assert yourself means to confidently express what you feel, what you need, and what you expect from others in a non-threatening manner. However, in the workplace sometimes asserting oneself can be easier said than done.

Often the work environment can be highly demanding and stressful and, as a result, be also a difficult place to effectively assert your self. However, the good news is that it can be done. Here are some tips to help you do that.

First and foremost, you need to know yourself, knowing what you want or need from your co-workers. Knowing what we need or want from others requires us to have an understanding of ourselves and what is expected of us, especially in the work environment.

Knowing, for example, what is required to complete a particular project and your responsibilities in regard to its completion will help you identify what you want or need from co-workers to fulfill those responsibilities. Once you know this then you can objectively request or delegate the needed help by asserting yourself.

When asserting yourself to gain the help of others in the workplace you want to be as detailed, yet as concise, as possible when instructing or explaining your wants and/or needs to them. If, in explaining your needs or wants, you are not clear you can open the door to confusion and, as we all know, confusion is counterproductive to accomplishing anything, much less effectively asserting yourself.

If you sense confusion encourage your co-workers to ask questions so that you can clarify yourself.

Sometimes someone may ask a question in a negative way. Address all negative feedback in a rationally way and do not take it in as a personal attack.

Many people do not know how to effectively ask questions and it’s not that they mean to be negative, it often is just the way have learned to communicate. If you can help them or guide them attempt to do so.

Also, sometimes people are preoccupied with other thoughts when asking a question in a negative manner. If this is the case give that person the opportunity to discuss or vent their preoccupation if you are in a position to do so.

In almost every work environment there is someone who knows how to get under the skin of others. If you happen to experience this with a co-worker don’t become aggressive, but rather turn the situation around by joking with them, or even being nice to them.

If their behavior is offensive let them know in a direct, firm and logical manner that what they are doing is offending you. If this fails you may then need to get others involved to correct the behavior.

When asserting yourself with managers or supervisors it is wise to know what you are going to say before you say it. Again, this requires you knowing what you want or need form these people before you approach them.

Many managers don’t have time to help you sort out what you want or need from them and if they have to help you with this you aren’t asserting yourself.

Having the courage to speak your mind is also a part of assertiveness.

But speaking your mind must be done without being an offense or belligerent to others, while at the same time expressing your wants or needs.  If you are offensive or belligerent people will perceive you as being aggressive, and aggression is not being assertive.

Aggressive behavior is threatening to other people, whereas assertiveness is not.

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