Many non-verbal behaviors, or body language, vary across cultures, such as the thumbs up to signify “way to go” or  “good job”. However, the six primary emotions, happiness, surprise, sadness, fear, anger, and disgust are common amongst all cultures. These six are instinctual and are not body language we are taught, but come from within us naturally. When we talk about body language coming from within us we mean it comes from the subconscious level. And because it comes from the subconscious it tells a great deal about the person we. Let’s look to fear for an example.

Fear is a natural human emotion and serves a purpose related to our safety and security.  But let us imagine a person who has witnessed a serious auto mobile accident, but rather than running to the aid of the injured; they run franticly in the opposite direction. This frantic running away is body language that certainly infers some kind of fear.  Specifically what that fears might be we cannot know without talking to the person. But it is obvious that the fear has nothing to do with immediate safety. Through this example you should be able to see how we can read another’s personality through the lens of his body language.

Here’s an experiment you can try at home to see just how much information people give about themselves through body language. While someone is talking to you observe the body language they use as they talk. After a few moments of observation, close your eyes while continually listening to the other person. You won’t be able to see their hand gestures, facial expressions, or other bodily movements.  Notice how much information is not available to you because your eyes are closed. It is very difficult to read and understand someone without seeing the body language that accompanies their verbal communication.

One sure-fire way to learn how to read someone’s body language is to observe and get to know your own. Remember, we all have six common kinds of instinctual body language.  Of course they vary in degree of expression, but we all have them. There are also non-verbal communications that are common among certain cultures, societies and families.  Because of this fact two different people can have very similar behaviors that are expressed through similar kinds of body language. By knowing your own body language you can read similar ones in others, and therefore give you insight into another person’s personality and who they are.

As you learn your own body language try to relate those behaviors to your subconscious thinking. Try to regulate or over analyze your subconscious thought though. The only goal here is to match those thoughts with the body language you use to express those thoughts. This not about judging yourself, but it’s about learning to read your body language so you can read the body language of others. You can use this information to improve your understanding of the many different interactions you will become involved with.

Now that you recognize some of your own body language you can begin to read people with more accuracy. When in conversation with someone you can identify such things like mixed messages. Mixed messages are identified when a person says one thing, but their body language says something else.  Good example is when someone lies to you. They tell you, “I didn’t do it!”, but the tone of voice, the looking away, and the slight nervousness lets you know that something is not quite right in what they are telling you. This conflict between verbal language and body language could signal deception. Mixed messages are most certainly related to insincerity and point to that person as having something to hide.

Head movements, body positioning, hand signals, eye contact, lip gestures and leg motions all are used in sending messages to those we are communicating with. By becoming aware of how we use these methods of communicating and developing these skills, we can lead conversations and interactions into specific directions.

Let’s take, for an example, the job interview. Job interviews can be nerve-wracking, but nervousness is not necessarily a good message to send the employer as it can indicate a lack of confidence or insecurity. As a body language nervousness can be noticeable and can lead the interviewer to asking more questions than you might want.

The best body language to use in a job interview is to calmly enter the interview room and slowly seat yourself in the chair. Sit straight in the chair and be sure feet are flat on the floor. As you are talking with the interviewer keep your posture straight. Be prepared to use hand gestures simultaneously with your verbal conversation as the interview proceeds.  However, you want to these gestures within the boundaries of your verbal language at all times.  You want to demonstrate professionalism, and body language can communicate this quite effectively.

Eye contact, as a body language, is a very important communicating strategy. Maintaining eye contact with the person you are communicating with lets the other know you are interested in what they have to say. If you let your eyes wander around too much this will indicate to the other that you are bored and not interested in what they have to say. This can be damaging to an interview, especially if you looking downward to the floor. Eye contact is not only an interview strategy, but it applies to practically every conversation you might have.

However, there is some balance that must be applied to eye contact as well. You don’t want to appear as if you are staring. For most people, especially for women, staring is disrespectful and has a tendency to make the other person nervous about your intentions. If you’re at a club or party for example, staring at other people could actually create some unfavorable situations for you.

Facial expressions are another body language that can make or break an interaction. A gradual, almost undetectable nod, infers to other person that you understand what they are saying. However, if your nod is more of hard jerky sort it can indicate that you are impatient with the other, or that you can’t wait to respond. This latter indication could send signals relating to control issues, which impatience does point to.

Combining the nod in a slight tilting way, with a gentle smile delivers the message that you are approachable. People like people who are approachable. However, the smile, for best results, should be sincere. An ongoing smile, or grin in many situations, can indicate that you are superficial and insincere. This could make you unapproachable.

Appropriate conversational question, along with the right body language, draws the other person deeper into the conversation. The right body language can send the message of your interest to the other and this interest is what can give you the ability to lead the conversation.

Eye contact is very important in communication, especially with new people. Good use of eye contact, which does not avoid others, does not stare and does not linger on certain parts of the other’s anatomy inappropriately, is a crucial part of getting to understand new people. Appropriate eye contact shows respect and it shows that you are interested in interacting with the other person. How much eye contact to make differs between cultures but if you read the other person’s body signals correctly you will see how much eye contact to make.

Posture says a lot about a person’s personality and mood.  Slouching shoulders and a curved spine, as well as helping someone to develop round shoulders over time, says that they are depressed, down, and lacking confidence in themselves.  That kind of posture can become a self-fulfilling prophecy as it soon begins to affect a person’s mood negatively.

The tilt of a person’s head betrays their mood too. A head which is balanced both horizontally and vertically on the neck oozes confidence and self-esteem. You will find yourself more inclined to listen to a person who has this kind of posture when speaking.  When they want to speak or make a particular point, the authoritative, confident person will usually lean their head forward just a little bit, but without encroaching too much on the personal space of their listener. If they tilt their head to one side while you’re talking, you can be assured that they are listening to you attentively and that they will be likely to give you time to speak and say what you have to say. Of course, this position can change, and it should. No one position should be maintained for too long as that will seem unnatural and can be off-putting to the other person. If someone stays in one position and doesn’t speak for a long time, check: have they fallen asleep! That is the impression you would probably be left with!

The placement of a person’s arms says a lot about their personality and mood. Wild gesticulations will imply over-excitement or even aggression. You will feel most comfortable when you can see that the person you are speaking too is feeling comfortable too; therefore, look for arms that are held naturally at the sides of the body. They may also be held likely behind the back. Either posture implies an open personality, a person who is feeling confident and who is ready to face challenges. If you upset or offend someone, watch out for their arms being crossed over their chest defensively. That’s a real giveaway that they are feeling hurt.

Legs tell you a lot about the person you’re speaking with, even when you have just met them. It’s quite difficult to get your legs to do exactly what you want them to do, so they say a lot about a person’s innermost feelings, even when they are trying very hard to hide them. Leg swinging and rolling of the foot at the ankle, or especially foot tapping, shows that a person is feeling irritated or impatient. The faster the movement, the worse their mood!

You will probably be able to sense right away if someone is deliberately angling their body away from you, even if you don’t consciously process that thought. People tend to sit angled towards and even leaning towards, people they like.  This may not happen when you first meet someone, as they may wait a little while to gauge what you are like, but if they start to position themselves in your direction and lean in closer to you, then the chances are that they are beginning to like you.

So, even if you don’t know a person well, you can read their body language and adapt your communication with them accordingly.

Inappropriate body language has the potential of actually damaging our communications, not to mention damaging our image and reputation. Let’s take for example, the young man who, while talking to someone he just met, has his hand constantly holding the crotch of his pants. This is absolutely not appropriate body language, especially if the young man is talking with a woman. In fact it is highly disrespectful! This type of body language not only weakens the young man’s communications, it destroys his image in the eyes of the other, thus ending any the success of further interactions. Many young men today habitually walk around with their hands placed over their crotch area, especially in the larger cities of America, and then they wonder why they can’t attract a good woman.  Many women they would want to attract have zero tolerance for this behavior!

Even hands clasped tightly together or stuffed into pants pockets weaken our communications. Hands clasped tightly together send the message that you are tense and nervous about something, whatever that something is. If you are tense or nervous about something then you are not totally involved with what the speaker is saying, or if you are the speaker it send the message that you are insecure about what you are saying. In both instances it weakens the conversation and interaction.

Keeping your hands in the pockets, while you are interacting with someone, conveys a non-committal and aloof attitude.  Most people when interacting with another person want
signals of conversational commitment. Failure to commit yourself to the interaction will weaken it and cause it to end, possibly without you even being able to say a word.  Moreover, an aloof attitude demonstrates a lack of interest in the interaction. If you are not interested in what the other has to say, they certainly are not going to be interested in what you have to say.

By the way, keeping the hands in the pockets is generally a male behavior, as very few women do this, if any. In both the military and court systems, within most cultures, this body language is strictly forbidden and can sometimes result in adverse consequences.

Phony body language can weaken a conversation as easily as any of the above mentioned.  Phony body movements send messages indicating that you are artificial and unnatural, making you appear to be someone trying to be something other than yourself.  This can weaken the interaction in the sense that if you are presenting yourself as artificial, then there is something fake about you, which then can lead to interpretations regarding your confidence and trustworthiness. Some politicians are coached about body language prior to making a presentation. Unfortunately, what happens sometimes is that, instead of blending the coaching in with their own natural body language, they apply all the coaching to the presentation as if it were their natural style. People want to interact with you, not someone else through you.

Annoying body movement, like toe tapping, knee bouncing, or touching your face are other ways to weaken your communications. Body languages such as these convey that you are nervous and impatience and that you are not concerned with details.  Nervous energy, when not kept in check, will weaken just about any conversation. The nervous tics will distract your listener and so if they are focusing on that behavior they are bound to miss your message altogether.

Misreading body language is a very common mistake and most of us do it at one time or another. Take for example, the young man leaning against the convenience store wall, leg bent back at the knee, and foot planted against the wall.  He’s wearing a large thick coat and looks out of place, like he doesn’t belong there. As you drive by you interpret his body language to mean he’s a hoodlum of some sort, unemployed and just wasting time hanging out. But you don’t consider that he is waiting for a ride to go to work. You have just misread the body language of this young man and interpreted his behavior inaccurately. Now let us look at your body language and how people might misread you.

As we have all heard the eyes are the windows to the soul and eye contact when not used while listening or talking can send the wrong message about you. Most people perceive a lack of eye contact as a form of disinterest and, even though you are interested in the other person, if you don’t maintain eye contact, that person who is talking can misinterpret you and may bring the meeting and conversation to an end. Another common body language mistake is crossing the arms or placing something in front of you, such as a book, chair, or other object. For some people the crossing the arms or placing something in front of you sends the message that you are unapproachable because you have placed a barrier in front of yourself.

Some men do cross their arms when talking to another, doing this without really knowing they are. We have all seen that self-confident man do this as he listens or talks to us or to another. His conversation and attitude are pleasant, but those crossed arms. What are they saying?

Silliness and immaturity is another form of body language, but has its time and place. Having fun and hanging out with good, well established friends at the park may be an acceptable time and place to let it all hang out. But if you are at a social function and trying to meet new people this certainly would not be the time and place for this kind of body language. When meeting new people it can be advantageous to show your humorous side, but to become goofy probably won’t attract new people to you. In fact, you might get glances of disgust from those around you.

Improper posturing is a common body language mistake.  Slouching, and for women, uncrossed legs, can present you as sloppy, lazy and just plain unaware. At home or hanging out with good friends you can probably sit any way you want and not be misinterpreted. But out in public places where you are trying to make a good impression and meet new people you want to stand confidently erect or sit with your legs crossed.  This can send the message of self-control and pride.

Not smiling at new acquaintances is a sure way to put people off. It is a guaranteed way to cause people to avoid you, even though you may not truly mean anything behind it. If you do not smile, even a little, people will perceive you as unapproachable. So smile and win some friends! Now you know the common body language mistakes to avoid, you have plenty to smile about!