Daniel Goleman discusses his book “Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships” as a part of the Authors@Google series. He points out that success depends on much more than intelligence and hard work, people skills and emotional fitness will determine whether you have a happy and successful life.
Would you like to have perfect people skills? Would that make you happy? Maybe you haven’t noticed but unconsciously you may have a goal of perfection in the back of your mind when it comes to dealing with people. This is not a good idea. Let me explain…
It was the summer of 1991 and I was feeding coins into a phone at Victoria Station in London, England. It was hot and smelly in the station and the dread of the ongoing recession made the humidity even harder to take. I dialled the number in the job advert and tried not to sweat so much, I tasted the mint of the gum I was chewing and my anxiety built with each second of anticipation. Tony answered and asked me a few questions before wanting to know why I was the right person for the job. My mouth was dry, my heart was pounding and I did my best to sound calm and in control. It didn’t work.
“Are you chewing gum?” Tony barked down the phone.
“No, of course not!” I stuttered as I moved the gum to the side of my mouth. “It’s really hot today and my mouth is dry, that’s all.”
The phone interview went from bad to worse as I stumbled over my words, tried and failed to make a good impression and chewed gum every time nerves dried my mouth. Tony asked me one more time, “Are you sure you’re not chewing gum?” at which point I couldn’t take anymore and I hung up. I counted the change left in my sweaty palm, tasted the minty gum and decided not to phone about any more jobs until the next day.
The Cost of Demanding Perfection
How did I manage to do so badly? I can sum it up in one phrase – I demanded perfection. I needed a job, I was running out of money, I had been out of work for months and the future looked bleak. Because of all these pressures it wasn’t just a phone call, in my mind I had built it up to be the single most important conversation I would ever have. And for that reason I wanted it to be perfect, I wanted it to be the perfect job for me and I wanted to speak clearly, elegantly and so persuasively that Tony would be blown away by my brilliance.
Expecting, hoping for or demanding perfection kills self-confidence, sets you up for failure and makes you over think so much that it’s impossible to be natural and free flowing. In my case chasing perfection made me tense, afraid to make a mistake and unable to think straight in the moment. Aiming for perfection is the enemy of anyone looking to improve their communication skills.
On the other hand, setting high standards and aiming to gradually and consistently improve over time is a great approach. As long as you give yourself freedom to learn from your mistakes you can learn, grow and have fun without too much extra self imposed pressure.
The Numbers Game
Life is a numbers game and this applies in business, in our social lives and even in the fields of sport and entertainment. As I write this Novak Djokovic is the number one tennis player in the world. Think about that for a moment, of all the millions of people around the world who play tennis for fun and of all the thousands of professional players he is the best. Now, listen to this, as I write this, his career win rate is almost 80%. In other words the very best tennis player in the world, for every 100 matches played, has won 80 and lost 20 of all the professional matches he has played. He’s not even close to perfection yet he’s the best player in the world right now.
One more example. Take a look at the movie industry. Hollywood releases new movies every week and despite the huge multimillion dollar budgets, the big name actors and the crews of talented production people Hollywood can still not guarantee a winner. In fact of the hundreds of big budget movies released each year only a handful will be smash hits. Again, Hollywood doesn’t even get close to perfection.
The point I’m making is that if the brightest and best in the world can’t attain perfection and know it’s a pipe dream then you need to take the pressure off and instead have high standards, do your best, learn from your successes and failures and get better over time. Know that life is a numbers game but not a game where someone can hit 100% all the time.
When it comes to being at your very best with people here a few useful guidelines:
1. Remember What Works
Notice how you are handling social situations today, this week and recently. Are you better or worse than you used to be? Are you enjoying being with people more than in the past? If you’re improving it’s good to be aware of that so that you can decide to do more of what works.
On the other hand if you’re disimproving, be objective about it. What are you not doing that worked for you in the past? Decide to start doing it again. Often it’s simply a matter of becoming aware of your habitual patterns, get conscious of what you’re doing or not doing and you are back in the drivers seat.
2. Make Enjoyment a Priority
Pay attention to the long term trend. Over the last few months, are you having more or less enjoyment socialising? Are you becoming more or less relaxed mingling with people? Do you have a good balance between enjoying alone time and time with people you care about?
Again, it’s good to pause and evaluate your habits before deciding if you want more or less of what you’ve been doing.
3. Focus on Specifics not Generalities
One major pitfall we can fall into when it comes to perfectionist thinking is over generalising. We want everything to be perfect all the time. We go to a party and we want everyone we meet to love, appreciate and admire us and if this doesn’t happen we feel like we failed a little. Forget about having unrealistic and unattainable objectives that can only produce one outcome with certainty – stress, worry and beating yourself up.
Instead get highly specific about what you want that you can control. Take the example of a party, aim to find good matches, people you have something in common with who you can relate to. Then go and search for those people. That cloud of hopelessness and despair that follows perfection around will then float way into the distance.
To sum up, chasing perfect people skills is a sure fire recipe for failure, unhappiness and disappointment. You’ll enjoy yourself much more if you treat life as a numbers game and aim to gradually improve over time without postponing happiness until you hit 100%.
It might seem surprising when you meet people but everyone else has the same concerns, fears and worries you try to hide. Yes, some people are more confident than others and some are better at mingling and making a good impressions. Still, at a deeper level we all have the same needs.
We all need to be liked, we all need to know we fit in and we all want an opportunity to have our voice heard. Because this is true for everyone you will ever meet you now know how to be a good friend to anyone you ever talk to. Simply make a point of liking people and let them know you are interested in them and you`ll notice people want to spend more time with you, they want to get to know you better and they enjoy talking to you much more.
Liking people is often a decision. You decide to find things to like about the person you are talking to and this positive focus on what you like changes how you interact and makes you genuinely interested in finding out more about the person you have just met. People pick up on this positive attitude and open up to you, the conversation flows and you enjoy getting to know people.
What happens if you don`t like who you are talking to? Then it gets a little more challenging but the same principle still applies – look for what you can like about the person. Find even a few small things to like and it can take the edge off the the dislike you have for who you are talking to. This is important.
If you dislike someone they will pick up on this rejection and this can cause a downward spiral with each person treating the other one harshly. Before you know it you are stuck in a very tense and uncomfortable conversation.
This is why it is good to look for what you can like about someone from the moment you meet. Right away listen carefully, take a good look at the person and find qualities and features you like. This could include general appearance, fashion sense, accent, voice tone, common interests or even something as simple as eye colour.
Then, while enjoying the conversation continue to pay attention to those likeable characteristics and you`ll notice that this positive attitude generalises to the whole person. You become more open minded and accepting of whoever you are talking to.
When this happens you will be feeling that you like this person. You might even be saying to yourself in your mind. “I like this person!” When this happens you`ll be more relaxed, you`ll smile more and the other person will feel accepted and liked.
One great way to keep this positive momentum alive is to quietly say to yourself in your mind: “I like you!” Do this as you talk and listen to the other person and you`ll find more qualities to like and feel more connected to whoever you are with. This sounds too simple to work but try it for yourself and you`ll see it changes the dynamics of any conversation.
We all want to be liked so take charge and decide to like the people you meet. Easy and highly effective, this one slight change in outlook will cause people to like you as well. When they feel accepted and approved of they simply like you because you already like them!