How to win friends and influence people depends on getting rapport so read on for…
Four Common Rapport Building Mistakes:
Get these wrong and you have no chance when it is time to win
friends and influence people.
1 Pretending You Are Interested When You Are Not
Do yourself a favor and be honest with yourself and the people
you spend time with. If you are really not interested in the
topic of conversation say so. This is key if you really want to
win friends and influence people.
If possible change the subject or simply postpone that
particular conversation until another time.
Obviously if there is a danger of offending the other person you
will have to less direct. In these situations it helps to find
out right away what the other person wants or expects from you.
Th conversation will right away become very relevant to you and
maintaining interest is a lot easier.
2 Disliking The Other Person
If you do not like the person you are talking to it will come
across at some level. Ask yourself — what could I like about
this person? This will help put you in a better frame of mind.
And look for things you have in common by asking yourself – how
is this person like me?
We all have something in common and commonality builds rapport.
Look for it and you will find it.
If you mechanically attempt to get rapport with people while
secretly disliking them you will never get that deep rapport you
are aiming for. In fact if your focus is on how much you dislike
the person you will not even want rapport and instead you will be
setting yourself up for conflict.
3 Wanting Rapport With Everyone You Meet
I made this mistake when I first learned the advanced
communication skills I cover in my book.
All of a sudden, for the first time, I was able to get rapport
with anyone I met. So I did.
And I recommend you do the same to a point. With one exception.
There are some people you do not want to be getting deep rapport
Take someone who is like a raging bull with a deep resentment and
hate for themselves and other people. Do you really want to feel
the same way? If you get deep rapport you will feel some of the
While you may need to be effective around such people keep your
focus on your real goal. Deal effectively with the individual and
maintain your own emotional state regardless of how upset the other
Pay attention to your emotional state when dealing with negative
people, manipulative people and others who will drain your energy.
With these people rely more on the weakest element of rapport –
words. And manage your body language without following their lead.
4 Not Speaking Their Language
We all have one primary sense whether it be visual, auditory or
feelings based that dominates our perception of the world.
You need to get good at spotting which modality other people use
and match their world to get rapport quickly and easily.
If someone is in a visual mode their words will be dominated by
words that express what they see. For example the car is red with
a white soft top and a huge back seat.
Whereas the auditory person describes the car in a different way:
it sounds like a lion roaring when you start the engine and the
CD player fills the car with deep, rich sounds that dance around
Finally the person most attuned to their feelings notices the
smooth soft sensation of the leather seats and the warm firm
feeling when they hold the steering wheel.
If you use the wrong modality for the person you are talking to
it makes it harder for him to understand you. You have to work
harder to get rapport.
And when you speak to several people at once make sure you use
visual, auditory and feeling words to make sure you appeal to
Make a point of paying attention to the dominant modality your
friends and family use. And you may have a breakthrough when you
finally discover why you are not getting deep rapport with some
of them while more easily getting along with other people.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report:10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. This report reveals the secret strategies all high achievers use to communicate with charm and impact. Apply now because it is available for a limited time only at:
You´ll soon get rapport and enjoy knowing how to win friends and influence people.